Demolition

I went home yesterday to my parents' house in the South and to my shock, we didn't have walls anymore!!! Everything was a mess. My parents had our old house demoished so that a new one could take its place. Why? Because i didn't have a room when i go home for the weekends. I usually share the bed with my mom and my dad sleeps on the floor. Since my sister got married, and some time before that, i have been bunking in with my parents.

For my dad, it was kind of bittersweet. It was the first house that they bought with their hard-earned money. This is where all three kids grew up. So it wasn't really a surprise when my dad started emoting, sniffing and looking at the house which practically didn't have walls longingly from across the street where they rented another smaller house (and when i say smaller, i mean smaller) while waiting for all the rubble to clear.

Now going to how small the house they're staying in...

It is so small that all beds are wall to wall in their respective rooms. My dad doesn't have a floor to sleep on when i go home, so i am an official squatter at my aunt's house nearby. Most of the stuff were just dumped in any corner of the house and some were dumped with me, while still others in my dad's shop. The house is such a mess that it took me more than 30 minutes just to look for clothes!

So there. I'm not just the one moving out and moving on. It's a family thing.

Panic

I was fixing my stuff earlier for my new apartment, and a sudden feeling of tightness around the throat caught me off guard. I looked around and realized, omigosh, i will be fully responsible for all of this! it's my house! this is from someone who has held off any kind of ties or commitment for such a long time (more than ten years actually). of course i can always just move out my stuff anytime, but for now, i'm just so psyched that i am the master of my house! i'm finding myself almost obsessive in making the apartment look cool and comfy and i can't stop thinking about it!

 

dang, house party next week!!! woohoo!!! bawal magkalat! hahaha....

WOMEN'S DAY

To all the women out there, happy women's day!!! You deserve this day, so get out there and have fun, enjoy life, be thankful for being a woman (forget the pains for a time) and for all you men out there, you better show your appreciation!!!! Or else you wouldn't even be here. 

Politics

This morning, on my way to a meeting, i saw this poster that was the roster of one of the senatorial parties for this upcoming elections (the one which included pichay, arroyo, zubiri etc.) anyway, as i was looking over the candidates, i couldn't help but release a sigh of frustration...i mean, GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! SINGSON??? SOTTO??? ORETA??? Ok lang kayo??? has it really come down to this? what the hell have these people done for our country?!?! have they ever used their brains for the benefit of the people? at ang kapal naman ng mukha ni singson para tumakbo noh!!! i mean, so what if he squealed against Erap? does that mean that he's a lesser criminal than all other criminals out there? i've always wondered, how do they look at themselves in the mirror? how do they sleep at night? but what's worst is, how do they look at their children, grandchildren? and for their relatives and family that know what magic they've been doing all their lives, how do you put up with it? bato bato sa langit... at this point, i really don't care if anyone gets run over by this blog. after seeing the things i've seen, knowing the victims of corruption and sharing a part of their lives,  DAMMIT, it's the least you can do for all the people out there who are in the dregs of poverty AND WHO HAVE DIED because of your corruption!!!! now i'm really mad.

Sociopaths are people don't have any feeling of remorse or conscience when they do something bad.  i think politicians and corrupt government officials as well as those belonging to the private sector who have continuously and systematically promoted this kind of attitude are worse than sociopaths.  at least the latter have a psychological disorder, the former have just selfishness as an excuse.

Sana nga madala nyo ang pera ninyo pag oras nang makita nyo ang Diyos nyo. Para hanggang dun sa impyerno meron pa rin kayong pansuhol!!!

Restraint

You know how it is when you know you can get something but for one reason or another, you just have to put some kind of restraint on yourself because you know it's for the best? Though it's so tempting to just grab and take advantage of the situation, you think, for once in your life, you're needs and ego can do without the trouble of getting in a complicated situation.

But then you think, what if there's something can come out of it? what if it's not just your ego that's itching for a ride? do you then take a risk or be the better person and just pass it up, and apply the cheesy cliche that if it's meant to be, it's gonna happen?

For the first time in a long while, i'm actually thinking about things first before doing anything impulsive. By now, i should know myself enough to predict the possible outcome of my actions.  For the first time, i'm finally learning from experience.

It's about time, too.

Moving out, moving on...

Lately, there is a recurring theme in my life, and that is moving on, getting on with change. Just today, i got my new queen sized bed for my new apartment. my friends dub it as 'independent urban living'. i'm pretty excited about moving out of my old apartment that i've had for four years. actually, i just rent a room at a friend's place but don't really have that much freedom with it. Can't bring people over to sleepover, or have parties or even just paint the room or hang stuff. and at this point in my life, i wanted total freedom. so i'm sharing this apartment with a guy who i've known for about 10 years, he gets the red and black room with the red door and i get the yellow and chocolate brown room with the yellow door. i bought curtains and rugs and other stuff that would make it homey and comfy. i can't wait for it not to smell fresh paint!!!

i've realized that it's time to move on. I want to leave the old baggages this time and try almost afresh. I need to regroup, think about all the lessons i've learned and look at things in a new way. then figure where to go from there. maybe i'll do it in my new room, hahahaha...

Beauty and Madness

My 12 or so years living in Quezon City, away from home, away from the insecurities of puberty and youth, have changed me greatly. I still remember when i broke up with my boyfriend because i knew my dad wouldn't approve because i was underage then. The guilt was too much, i just had to let him go. I didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't cuss -- too much -- and didn't go home late at night. My life was basically getting out of bed, going to school on time (i never cut classes in college), studying, then going back to the apartment to sleep or watch TV. I didn't hang out with my highschool batchmates who ended up in the same course that i had, and instead, chose to hang out with a different set of people. A year later, I met the 'love of my life'. I was still the goody-goody that i was, but now with a little less guilt. I wasn't the same Catholic girl anymore. Some pleasures and temptations were just too hard to resist. Until now i consider that guy the love of my life. I never really put in as much effort in subsequent relationships as i had with him. I worshipped the ground he walked upon, put him up in a pedestal and thought, "I'm so lucky to have him." But then, the perfect guy broke me. He cheated on me and left. I was devastated to say the least. And though i didn't believe in revenge and never did anything to exact it, i knew that moment changed me irreversibly. I became self-destructive, though not to the point of committing suicide or anything that stupid, but those things that were taboo for me became very easy to do. From that moment, i became a man-hater.

What can i say...i've seen a lot of things, met a lot of people, and done a lot of deeds, both bad and good. I've met people from all walks of life and with different sexual preferences. I've met a guy who was running away from the law because he killed someone. A guy once said to me, "I'm leaving my wife for you," the same guy who beat the same wife, raped a common friend, and cheated a lot of people money. I've had friends who have lost their babies deliberately and accidentally, with more than one almost dying because of it. I've had friends who have cheated on their girfriends, girlfriends who cheated on their boyfriends, and me, having been cheated with another guy. I have woken up at night with the sound of my two friends having sex in the next bed, I have woken up at night, too, with the sound of my two lesbian friends having sex in the next bed! I've met somebody, because of desperation, sold his body for a few thousand pesos. I've met a girl, who was so smart and sweet on the outside, but so brutal and manic in the inside. I've asked a gay friend questions you've always wondered about. I have been offered to join a menage a trois, (but declined) and knew some people who went to orgies. I met a man who took pleasure in giving other men a blow for 20 pesos. I have seen my friends who are so much worse than Beverly Hills 902010 or Melrose Place the way they've exchanged partners, and everyone is fine with it. I've had an ex who was emotionally abusing me. I have been harassed sexually by a person who i had no choice but to trust (else i'd still be in the middle of a forest, lost forever). I've had an ex who remains to be 'the one who got away.' I have heard my mother howl with anguish when she found out my uncle was ambushed and left for dead.

I was offered by a former President anything i wanted to show his appreciation (don't worry guys, if i took his offer, i wouldn't be slaving away and doing the things i'm doing now). I have seen poverty, and met those who suffer from it. I was once in an accident and realized that the life of another is always in another person's hand...and it's so easy to hurt anyone, and life is so fragile. I have mourned a friend's passing, and mourned the loss of friendships. I have almost lost a loved one to drugs and to desperation.

But amongst these things, i have also felt love. I have witnessed true love between Junie's parents, until the day her mom died. I have been blessed with a wonderful father who is also my friend. I have beautiful grandmothers and a great grandmother who have taught her children beautiful things. I have seen my nephews' smiles and my heart lights up. I have seen my family pick themselves up from a hellpit and now actually eat meals together. i have met people who have loved me and appreciated me for who i am. (I have had an ex who regretted losing me) I have made a difference in the lives of some and wish to be an inspiration to others. I have seen the power of hope and the beauty of change. I have been to a virgin forest, and have swam in a clear blue sea. I have had help from strangers, guiding me through my way. And i have loved.

As we grow up, we choose the path we take. For each decision we make, there is a new adventure waiting for us, a grand story waiting to be written. Despite all the troubles and bumps that are along the way, life is still beautiful. It may be dark and dreary sometimes, but we continue to trudge on, because we see the magic of a future, the promise of a tomorrow.

However you choose to live your life, it's up to you. But remember, the paths we choose is a reflection of the lessons we learn.