Where do i begin. This is quite unusual for me. My basic principle in a friend's love life is: "Matatanda na kayo, alam nyo na kung anong dapat gawin. You got yourself into this mess, and so you get yourself out." especially when, in this instance, i really don't know how your relationship went on. For some reason however, i cannot just let what happened pass. I mean, even if i change the heading, and change the initials, i could still blog what i think about what happened. i guess the only difference would be the thicker cloud of anonymity.
Don't get me wrong. This is not part of the backlash that you're so scared of. I am not writing this just to get even with you, nor am i writing this to condone the shortcomings my friend might have had during your relationship with her. I actually just have a few questions. You should understand that my default advice (since i believe it has worked for me in the past) to my friends is, just walk away -- with your head held high, and without a backward look. And i think to some extent, your ex is doing just that.
I think you should also understand that i am the type of person who would be putting myself in your shoes right now to even try to approximate how you were feeling before this thing happened. This serves many purposes: so that i wouldn't blow my head off with rage or revenge; i could be the devil's advocate when somebody else is ranting; i don't waste precious emotions on the situation; getting over would be much easier; but most of all, because i always believe that if i were in your place, i would truly be convinced of the legitimate reasons for doing it and that it would be worth all the trouble, the pain, and the tears.
Also understand that I am unlike some of my friends who would want to rip your head off as well as your new Gf's. I even agree with your ex that she shouldn't get back all the stuff she's given you, not the phone, the laptop, the furnishings, the ipod...Why? because like her, i also showered my partner -- who i had a long distance relationship with -- with gifts (but of course nothing would beat what she has given or done for you, i mean, the most expensive gift i gave him was a celfone, the rest were like, chichacorn, chocoflakes, keychains, etc. etc.). Eventually when we broke up my ex offered to give it back, and he was, from the start, uncomfortable with the fact that i was doing these things for him. I think his pride and ego was hurt, because i was the 'provider'. In fact, it was one of the reasons why we broke up. Oh well, we can't do anything about it when he was insecure about these things.
As i was saying, i totally understand why couples shouldn't be insisting these things given with trust, love and devotion be returned, no matter what the reason. Be it "the love just slipped away," a change of sexual preference, infidelity (with the same sex or not), or simple boredom. So that's not my issue either.
Besides, whatever in the world will my friend do with those stuff? She can afford to give it, she can afford not to take such depreciated stuff back (although we can always give it to charity).
I know your ex may be difficult. Believe me, we have tons of shouting matches to prove it. And of course she has her insecurities -- but then again, who doesn't? And you may be right there in saying she pushed you away. I would concede at some level. Blaming her for pushing you away is however different from pushing you away towards another person. Being an intellectual and mental person who has read many books and seen many things, i would think you'd see that difference. If i may, in case you didn't get the memo, becoming involved with somebody is a purely personal thing. It is purely within your power to prevent it. So it is totally in bad taste that you would put blame or would even imply that your ex is also at fault here. You know why? If you're not happy, you can always just break up.
So anyway, here are my questions, which i hope i would eventually get answers for. Preferably, for the public to see as well, as this is an open letter you see...
If you knew she had issues, why propose?
If you knew you had issues, why propose?
If you knew your relationship had issues, why propose?
Knowing you had this other girl, why propose?
I can imagine you would be thinking that love, being the ultimate goodness in this world and could overcome everything, was enough for at that time for marriage...and that at that time, you found your "the one"...but did you have to propose? doesn't trust, loyalty, kindness come into the picture at all? How about toblerones? Does it matter at all that she bought white toblerone around the time you proposed? Is it a test or something? Like if she buys gifts for your 'family' she can get the ring? Is that how you see marriage? That it can run purely on love?
I am baffled. I guess the reason also that i have this thing about weddings and marriages (especially without divorce law) is because it's such a lifetime commitment...thinking about it makes me choke. As i once said, "I believe in marriage too much to not even want to get married."
And that's why i'm so confused. i'm not mad, no matter how difficult that might be for you to believe it. you can even ask your ex. she and i, at this time, don't talk about you much. i think i'm the one who's the most unreactive about this whole thing as compared to my other friends who are now exercising superhuman efforts in self-restraint, if only because they know they won't go down to THAT level. They're better than that i would say.
So i'm pretty much fine with the other issues, except the proposal thing since you've also said you'd rather be walking around the park with somebody else, holding somebody' else's hand...and yet you proposed -- the same time you were thinking about somebody else. wishing for her.
Confused adn bewildered,
R.
P.S. I will be collecting the $400 soon.
Don't get me wrong. This is not part of the backlash that you're so scared of. I am not writing this just to get even with you, nor am i writing this to condone the shortcomings my friend might have had during your relationship with her. I actually just have a few questions. You should understand that my default advice (since i believe it has worked for me in the past) to my friends is, just walk away -- with your head held high, and without a backward look. And i think to some extent, your ex is doing just that.
I think you should also understand that i am the type of person who would be putting myself in your shoes right now to even try to approximate how you were feeling before this thing happened. This serves many purposes: so that i wouldn't blow my head off with rage or revenge; i could be the devil's advocate when somebody else is ranting; i don't waste precious emotions on the situation; getting over would be much easier; but most of all, because i always believe that if i were in your place, i would truly be convinced of the legitimate reasons for doing it and that it would be worth all the trouble, the pain, and the tears.
Also understand that I am unlike some of my friends who would want to rip your head off as well as your new Gf's. I even agree with your ex that she shouldn't get back all the stuff she's given you, not the phone, the laptop, the furnishings, the ipod...Why? because like her, i also showered my partner -- who i had a long distance relationship with -- with gifts (but of course nothing would beat what she has given or done for you, i mean, the most expensive gift i gave him was a celfone, the rest were like, chichacorn, chocoflakes, keychains, etc. etc.). Eventually when we broke up my ex offered to give it back, and he was, from the start, uncomfortable with the fact that i was doing these things for him. I think his pride and ego was hurt, because i was the 'provider'. In fact, it was one of the reasons why we broke up. Oh well, we can't do anything about it when he was insecure about these things.
As i was saying, i totally understand why couples shouldn't be insisting these things given with trust, love and devotion be returned, no matter what the reason. Be it "the love just slipped away," a change of sexual preference, infidelity (with the same sex or not), or simple boredom. So that's not my issue either.
Besides, whatever in the world will my friend do with those stuff? She can afford to give it, she can afford not to take such depreciated stuff back (although we can always give it to charity).
I know your ex may be difficult. Believe me, we have tons of shouting matches to prove it. And of course she has her insecurities -- but then again, who doesn't? And you may be right there in saying she pushed you away. I would concede at some level. Blaming her for pushing you away is however different from pushing you away towards another person. Being an intellectual and mental person who has read many books and seen many things, i would think you'd see that difference. If i may, in case you didn't get the memo, becoming involved with somebody is a purely personal thing. It is purely within your power to prevent it. So it is totally in bad taste that you would put blame or would even imply that your ex is also at fault here. You know why? If you're not happy, you can always just break up.
So anyway, here are my questions, which i hope i would eventually get answers for. Preferably, for the public to see as well, as this is an open letter you see...
If you knew she had issues, why propose?
If you knew you had issues, why propose?
If you knew your relationship had issues, why propose?
Knowing you had this other girl, why propose?
I can imagine you would be thinking that love, being the ultimate goodness in this world and could overcome everything, was enough for at that time for marriage...and that at that time, you found your "the one"...but did you have to propose? doesn't trust, loyalty, kindness come into the picture at all? How about toblerones? Does it matter at all that she bought white toblerone around the time you proposed? Is it a test or something? Like if she buys gifts for your 'family' she can get the ring? Is that how you see marriage? That it can run purely on love?
I am baffled. I guess the reason also that i have this thing about weddings and marriages (especially without divorce law) is because it's such a lifetime commitment...thinking about it makes me choke. As i once said, "I believe in marriage too much to not even want to get married."
And that's why i'm so confused. i'm not mad, no matter how difficult that might be for you to believe it. you can even ask your ex. she and i, at this time, don't talk about you much. i think i'm the one who's the most unreactive about this whole thing as compared to my other friends who are now exercising superhuman efforts in self-restraint, if only because they know they won't go down to THAT level. They're better than that i would say.
So i'm pretty much fine with the other issues, except the proposal thing since you've also said you'd rather be walking around the park with somebody else, holding somebody' else's hand...and yet you proposed -- the same time you were thinking about somebody else. wishing for her.
Confused adn bewildered,
R.
P.S. I will be collecting the $400 soon.
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