Intimidating

one guy recently asked me, why was i not dating anyone currently. and i gave him the answer people have had the audacity to tell me...because i was intimidating. and he said i can see why.

i first got irritated with that word when my aunt, who is a spinster, told me that i was too intimidating for men, basically because i spoke my mind, i have a focus in life, i am a professional, i come from the best academic institution (woohoo!!!) and i am independent. in short, i have a brain. and i don't see anything wrong with it. i hate it when people say that word as if it's my fault that i am making something out of my life. i hate when people say it as if it was a bad thing, as if it's something to be ashamed about. my aunt further warned me that if i didn't 'lie low', then i would be facing the future alone. of course i appreciate her somewhat twisted concern for me, since she didn't want me going thru what she was undergoing, whatever that may be...but for god's sake, i'd rather be alone with my brain and my beliefs that settle for a guy who is either too much of a wimp to step up or an egotistical maniac who can't see me as an equal but instead as competition.

one girl from school said to me once, she herself being 'intimidating', i give off the impression that i am the type to get even, to charge against anybody who gets in my bad side, so i'm kinda scary. that was a hoot. i'll let you in on a secret. when the situation gets too stressful, or when i'm in pain, i laugh. i don't cry, i don't throw things around (except maybe once in the august hallways of Malcolm when i got my grade from a corrupt, chauvinist professor who didn't even know what he was talking about). as a child, when my father punished me, i'd just stare at him sullenly, neither getting mad, nor crying out loud in pain or humiliation. in my adult life, i have only been mad four times: 1. when my ex cheated on me, but i just buried myself in my pillow and shouted, 2. when i had one of the worst days of my adult life and i was waiting for the driver of a car parked in my driveway for such a long time who turned out to be making out with my gay housemate (who made our apartment a freaking brothel while we were out!!!) and it was just the last straw, 3. when my brother and i fought over his attitude, (it's kinda complicated) 4. when i found two lesbians who are strangers to me on my bed, in my apartment one sunday morning after a 24-hour trip around luzon.

here's another secret, i am a pushover. i turn into mush if i'm in a relationship or the beginnings of one.

so for the guys who don't have the balls to go beyond the 'intimidating' exterior of all the girls out there, i can only say one thing...that's your problem. it's your loss.